Awe, Cute Pie Wally!

Dear 53% Simi,

You’re a hard workin’, never dine out, live within there means kinda, never bitching leather clad freedom lover aren’t you Simi. You don’t throw away your time and money on antiquated trinkets to ‘decorate’ your house, to make it ‘livable’. You appreciate staying at home and eating frozen food, never talking to women and never seeing the doctor because you’re afraid to know your sick (in fact my doctor is a woman making it double treasonous to see her). I mean yeah I have a lot of debt too, but it’s not i want to get paid more for my work, that’ll never work! Things are fine, the system has proven to work. Just ask I’n Rad, Lipton Freedom, or the Crotch Brothers, they’ll tell yea what’s real! I can’t understand all the hububububoo about Occupy Wall street. More like Ought to try salt meat if you ask me (salted meats are much more cost effective than fresh). Let one of those freedom farts rip on those yippie yank-offs you jean wearing complacent work guy!

Sincerely, Harvey 53% Bonner

Dear Hardly just over half boner,

How’d you know I wear jeans?! You must be really smart I think! So you’re right about this Wall street junk I guess. Can’t be sure though, you did suggest an alternative food which probably means your a red-green Christmas hating lefter. Just kidding, I have lots of friends who feel guilty about being rich too so I get it. I’m with it. Yeah me you and the other 52% are gonna rock Wall Street! Tell those nihilist puppet show making, credit bearing, body using people to get relative who can get them a job. Who lives in house these days anyways? The nerve. And then I’ll just drone out with my guitar pedals, cause hippies hate that shit. Then I’ll patch things though my new computer’s 12 Dubstep program, and then they’ll really be hurting. Attack them with wobbling sub-sonic bass synth tones that not only hurt hippies, but also make bald eagle shells crack and die. You’re right Harvey I am American, well, no, no! yeah I am. I just never felt that way till you pointed out how much leather I wear, and how often I stay home. Wanna come over, last episode of MSCL and a leather pants are calling you!

Land of the few, the proud and Simi

PS. bring wine!



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Help wanted: Chick without Junk for Pad

Drunk Readers,

I forgot what color the floor was. I don’t think it’s supposed to be black, but it sure is now. I don’t know what happened, I think I once remember knowing that I saw what may or may not have been a person who was a chick and if memory serves me right, which it does sort of, this chick like cleaned shit without bitching about it. You know like when a dude’s dude cleans something they have to make a BFD 2003 about it and they crack open a beer and fire off the gun. Anywho we need a new girlpiece to maintain Treasurer Simi’s Wild Mint.


-Guitar Amp

– A wardrobe of mostly thrift store cloths with some urban outfitters, but denies liking all clothing

-Able to soak beans

-Willing to handle dangerous materials such as beer-acid, craig-spit, and john-sludge

-Bad at pool to prop up our confidence

-Well versed in talking shit

-Conversational china, italy and mexico for the ordering of food

-5 Cartons of cigarettes

-Willing to get stinky

-Strong written and verbal communication skills for frequent police visits

-420 friendly

-ignorant and blind to morning wood

-well versed in mr. show, breakfast club and seinfeld references

-falafel experience not required but total bonus

-loves shopping for dude stuff

-doesn’t mind buying all the TP

-some college

-will date Roy for at least 2 weeks

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Crayon I Burrow Sum Monet

My Dear Little Honeybear Simi,

Mama bear has hit some little troubles living in the big city. Need to borrow a little fast cash for the month to pay off my astrologer. She’s basically going to disconnect me from the universe if I don’t pay off my tarot tab. On a related note, gotta pay the internet too, if not I’d really be cut off from the world. Accidentally downloaded a blueray at 5am from iTunes while I was trying to drown out the morning Bright Eye remixes by Das Racist and crashed the whole network. Apparently the Internet is a big deal to my room mates, (what did they do in 1990?).

So were looking at damages of like 2-3 g’s. Just a blip on the radar for you buffer stud. I’ll use some of it for my bills, my telephone bills, my automo-bills, then maybe I can chill…for awhile. The rest will go towards my new Burning-Man themed restaurant chain called Burners (like on a stove, but that’s also what they call themselves you know). You’ll be the angel investor, and you’ll get your share three times over guarenteed. They’ll be dancing and “free” 10 dollar cocktails, and some heat lamps indoors to make it feel like the desert. The menu will just be an amalgamation of Chili’s and Chevy’s, and actually everything else will be like an applebees, but you know, it’ll be DIY cause I did it.

Dear Mam, Why don’t yee like shit?


ps. Just found 40 checks in a pizza box “under” my bed. “Under my bed” is also a new place.


Dick Shitmi,

I put down five bucks to start your misspelled half-assed, ghostwritten insulted filled, non-nonsensical, inside joke-filled crap shoot, that we write on at tis very moment. You think a blog is free or something? I’m pulling my shares out of asksimi inc right now. You’re going to take a bath.

And another thing, now without any Internet we’ve been forced to use “old media” for our art. WHAT GALLERY IS GOING TO TAKE A FUCKING PAINTING HUH?

Thanks for shitting on my dreams, putting them on a frozen pizza, them falling asleep before you eat my dreams.


Dear Having sex with my dead self,

Well I made about 500,000 dollars from a garage sale this last weekend. Guess I had a lot of stuff or something. Sold everything for five cents too. Thanks for the tip on the Asksimi stock too, I traded out into facebook, and rode F8 hype till I rebought after you crashed it. I don’t even know what I just said. But, yeah why don’t you come to Davis I miss you.

ps. you weren’t serious about that whole money thing right? I need my money for new stuff dude, no comprendo?


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Never Say Guy-Ask Away

Sim City 2000,

So I got this huge pile of shit, some of it cool shit, some shitty shit but all shit, shitting (ha didn’t think I’d use it there) in my yard. Bout to burn it rural-style then I remembered that at the Pacific Rim Job, Urinary Fat Erection, and Chill Bikini show at your house that it didn’t smell like decrepit anchors left in a garbage ocean. Plus I was able to were sandals without any broken glass cuts. No open toed shoes at the lab is acceptable, my spill a buffer on my bunion. How did you do it?

ps Used Urban Outfitters catalog as TP, you don’t read that shit.

Dear Dinner Sequel? Cooler!

That smell was actually our old roommates. The new ones smell of over hair dried dog poop thrown in a kiln fueled by cow pies, so I can see how you don’t notice the old smell. Yeah I was actually talking to my old room mate about how we had cleaned things up. He was kinda “whatever won’t last long hope you die and suffer” about it. I mean what do you want dude? A Ben Johnson? But really I even wrote a permanent napkin disclaimer to enforce my totalitarian Luddite dish washing regime. As for the garbage well that was a ton of work to burn. Burn when the smoke cleared I was high, so we went to Del early that day and forgot to take out the garbage. So I’m actually gonna forward your request along.


Reaing UO Late Fall right now. Smells awful but page 11 is too chill to die.


Dear Davis Trash Queens

Been awhile since you’ve been around, eh? Not Canadian or anything, just born there. So I know the can SAYS no hot ashes, but really come on? I could just eat this ashes if that’s cool with you, but I hear you take garbage for free as like a charity. What to come get some?

Hate Know Poo Chillabrova


Dear Sir Madam, or Guy,

It’s imperative that you leave your house immediately. Burning household objects release many dangerous and cancer causing agents that need proper disposal. Our services are actually not free, haven’t you read all the bills we’ve been sending you for the past 6 months via mail? No matter. You need to leave immediately or Davis Waster Removal will have to evict you.

Forrest Earnest

Dear Snoresst,

I’ll never move out. bring it.


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You dropped your smile…aren’t you going to pick it up?

Dear She/he

If I were any taller, I’d have a good reason to go into theater, but that’s for another time. Please make the message find you well or else. Here’s and offer you can’t refuse: painful death, or boring reincarnation. I reported, you deicide. Looks like you dropped your smile there, aren’t you gonna pick it up. Pick up hot hot singles in Fremont, Turlock and Fresno 20% off (deductions made prior to 4/5/2006 now eligible for full refund of dignity) Hey did you know that Viagra is doses good cost less than 20 euro. Owned, home owned. Half a nice day, half feeling left out of everything.

Dear Celibate for life,

Since when did spam get so fucking cool! This is like rude and vague just like, well I don’t know, someone I feel close too, but can never really admit to knowing. You now. Myself. Anywho, if you feel left out of everything because you don’t have an erection, I gotta know what country .it is located. Just cause.

1000mg of Simi 5 for the price of 5.


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User Friendly

Dear Doomed Human,

Satan here, writing you from aych-ee-double hockeysticks. So our consultants are really trying to expand hell’s membership, and direct marketing through facebook hasn’t been working. So we thought we’d get some title one funding by making hell a more user-friendly, sort of educational experience, plus add some more of those “shock” moments that people really have been complaining about being absent. Yeah no lava, no death or blood or hardly any flames since beezulbub left the grill in the backyard and it got full of leaves. I just want people to walk away from hell, (which they never do) with something that will stick with them and make them want to better their lives (which have ended). What to do?


Dear Santa,

One time I ran out of cigarettes, and my room mate did too. Then my friend came over and he always has cigarettes but this time he didn’t. Then my other roommate like tells me I could go on the internet and get lots of cigarettes for free, but I was like naw fuck that I don’t feel like it going on the internet. Then he said I’m always on the internet, on  the account of my computerphonehand, and then I started getting annoy-annoyed. Then her said, well its like a roundtrip ten minute bike ride to go get them. Once I heard that I fell into a deep depression- darkness, burzum and burnt popcorn surrounded me in a shroud of smoked cigarettes. A ‘personal’ hell if you will. Think of what ‘personal’ did for pizza huh? And guess what haven’t smoked in a week.


ps- just smoked, but still trying to quit k.

Smoke me

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Shitcraft, No babes

Dear Swim meets,


Last night I was in SwEeT DaDdy BoNeRs 3v3 melee madness on, and this fuck noob, who was mightily polite, must-a-bin from England or Canada, was on my team. He fucked everything up in under a minute, not building drones and mining Vespertine gas earlier than I prematurely “eh Jack, you late?” How can I scare noobian princesses away from our lag free, Alienware only burly-man kill servers so I can continue to score.


de, Fernando Gutierrez



Greetings! Nintendo Guitar Wiz,


Simi’s the name, starcraft’s the game. Seems to me you got a Zerg-level infestation of new comers to your well oiled and established game. Reminds me of the time I tried to find a new room mate on Craig’s list and I ended up singing Dust in the Wind 10 times to the DVD menu of Knocked Up. Also scored a hot and taught aussie, but that’s for another day; a much sadder and regretful day. To battle this infestation do as the Protoss and Tehran’s do; rush! Use these noobs as death bait and scouts like I use amir for thrift stores. Make sure they don’t get a bigger haul then you, or you’ll be listening to a Venom reissue instead of the “ORGINAL GANGSTA What! What!” Sorry for that outburst. But really manipulating people is great, just look at how I act around women. Whoa, haven’t seen one of those for a while.

Anywho this newb, may in fact be a well-weathered Grand Moth Tarkin of Bunker Busters past. So maybe you should give him a break even though he enjoys know there is a community of pissed off losers playing a 10 year computer game (that has a sequel), and won’t let anyone else play in fears of losing grasp of the one universe where they have any status or power. A universe, mind you, that has no beer, and no babes.


Kornfan105 has left the game (because of You) Hey how old are you?

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