Category Archives: Ask Simi

Black Metal Friday

Door busted Savings-mi DEALS DEALS DEALS! You’ve been specially collected to survey the iphone 50 tonight at 3:34 am at Jimboy’s Tacos in Lower Freeborn hall (former location of the California Aggie). Should you choose to decline this offer you … Continue reading

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You dropped your smile…aren’t you going to pick it up?

Dear She/he If I were any taller, I’d have a good reason to go into theater, but that’s for another time. Please make the message find you well or else. Here’s and offer you can’t refuse: painful death, or boring … Continue reading

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User Friendly

Dear Doomed Human, Satan here, writing you from aych-ee-double hockeysticks. So our consultants are really trying to expand hell’s membership, and direct marketing through facebook hasn’t been working. So we thought we’d get some title one funding by making hell … Continue reading

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Shitcraft, No babes

Dear Swim meets,   Last night I was in SwEeT DaDdy BoNeRs 3v3 melee madness on battle.net, and this fuck noob, who was mightily polite, must-a-bin from England or Canada, was on my team. He fucked everything up in under … Continue reading

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A Journey Into Simi

Dear Self, What would you do if you only had a few days left to live? I know it’s a cliché thought-experiment that supposed to reveal what we “really want in life” but you know, I think you’re different. Like … Continue reading

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An aside: Simi at 22-420-5150-2012

Dear Reader, Wizard People, While sitting on the old couch that teeters on the apex of my life, the 22nd year, I contemplate my future. Where am I going? Am I a dead star, dense and contracting, or a comet … Continue reading

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Sprung Cleaning

Dear Sweet Pea, I’ve just got such a clutter happening in my cozy little home right now. Such a clutter. Well my minimalist daughter is trying to get me throw everything away, even the rat poo. How can I convince … Continue reading

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