Never Say Guy-Ask Away

Sim City 2000,

So I got this huge pile of shit, some of it cool shit, some shitty shit but all shit, shitting (ha didn’t think I’d use it there) in my yard. Bout to burn it rural-style then I remembered that at the Pacific Rim Job, Urinary Fat Erection, and Chill Bikini show at your house that it didn’t smell like decrepit anchors left in a garbage ocean. Plus I was able to were sandals without any broken glass cuts. No open toed shoes at the lab is acceptable, my spill a buffer on my bunion. How did you do it?

ps Used Urban Outfitters catalog as TP, you don’t read that shit.

Dear Dinner Sequel? Cooler!

That smell was actually our old roommates. The new ones smell of over hair dried dog poop thrown in a kiln fueled by cow pies, so I can see how you don’t notice the old smell. Yeah I was actually talking to my old room mate about how we had cleaned things up. He was kinda “whatever won’t last long hope you die and suffer” about it. I mean what do you want dude? A Ben Johnson? But really I even wrote a permanent napkin disclaimer to enforce my totalitarian Luddite dish washing regime. As for the garbage well that was a ton of work to burn. Burn when the smoke cleared I was high, so we went to Del early that day and forgot to take out the garbage. So I’m actually gonna forward your request along.


Reaing UO Late Fall right now. Smells awful but page 11 is too chill to die.


Dear Davis Trash Queens

Been awhile since you’ve been around, eh? Not Canadian or anything, just born there. So I know the can SAYS no hot ashes, but really come on? I could just eat this ashes if that’s cool with you, but I hear you take garbage for free as like a charity. What to come get some?

Hate Know Poo Chillabrova


Dear Sir Madam, or Guy,

It’s imperative that you leave your house immediately. Burning household objects release many dangerous and cancer causing agents that need proper disposal. Our services are actually not free, haven’t you read all the bills we’ve been sending you for the past 6 months via mail? No matter. You need to leave immediately or Davis Waster Removal will have to evict you.

Forrest Earnest

Dear Snoresst,

I’ll never move out. bring it.



About asksimi

Simi is a wise and mysterious figure who's wisdom is only exceeded by his mystery. Mystical powers abound, his knowledge has healed the sick and amused the boring. I am his humble typist. Also a student at SJSU in MLIS.
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