Dear Doomed Human,
Satan here, writing you from aych-ee-double hockeysticks. So our consultants are really trying to expand hell’s membership, and direct marketing through facebook hasn’t been working. So we thought we’d get some title one funding by making hell a more user-friendly, sort of educational experience, plus add some more of those “shock” moments that people really have been complaining about being absent. Yeah no lava, no death or blood or hardly any flames since beezulbub left the grill in the backyard and it got full of leaves. I just want people to walk away from hell, (which they never do) with something that will stick with them and make them want to better their lives (which have ended). What to do?
One time I ran out of cigarettes, and my room mate did too. Then my friend came over and he always has cigarettes but this time he didn’t. Then my other roommate like tells me I could go on the internet and get lots of cigarettes for free, but I was like naw fuck that I don’t feel like it going on the internet. Then he said I’m always on the internet, on the account of my computerphonehand, and then I started getting annoy-annoyed. Then her said, well its like a roundtrip ten minute bike ride to go get them. Once I heard that I fell into a deep depression- darkness, burzum and burnt popcorn surrounded me in a shroud of smoked cigarettes. A ‘personal’ hell if you will. Think of what ‘personal’ did for pizza huh? And guess what haven’t smoked in a week.
ps- just smoked, but still trying to quit k.