Pizza Pizza on the Wall…

Dear Shoemie,

I’m trying to order a pizza over here, where I am. And being a post-college guy, I’m short on the dough, but down for the dough, so it’s important that I value value. Can you find me some deals on that round, melty, splendid, god I just wrap myself in a pepperoni so I can bath in its grease even if if makes me breakout (sorry becky). I FUCKING NEED IT.

Hans Oppenheimer

Dear Hands of my heiny,

This one time, me and my dick-in-hole room mate, you know the one that opens my mail,  got in a BIG STINK over which pizzas guys to use. He was like blaaaaaaaahhh, they don’t have spinach, blach blach blach, it’s the cheapest dude I know, Bach Bach Bach, you’re eating an old slice of cenario’s right now, how do you not know what it tastes like. So i was like, MMMMMMMMM!! YUMMMY YUMMMY, Ranch, Sriracha, the 60’s, International Cheesy Bread Missiles. Guess who won the argument?

Long story long, I’d suggest taking the circumference of your bong, and divide it by your gf’s cup size. That will give you your DJURAIL-index which I find helpful in making key consumer choices. Mine’s 56/B minor, and it lead me to this outsider cassette art that’s in the corner, a short temper, and a bit too much affection for cat’s I don’t live with if you know what I mean. Anywho, all signs point to Cenario’s on the weekdays, Pizza Guys on Weekends, but stear clear of the white sauce, it overpowers the Del Scorcho.



About asksimi

Simi is a wise and mysterious figure who's wisdom is only exceeded by his mystery. Mystical powers abound, his knowledge has healed the sick and amused the boring. I am his humble typist. Also a student at SJSU in MLIS.
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