Winter KDViationS Posts: Should I Smartphone? and Virginity Taxes

In case you haven’t it yet, which I strongly encourage you do, here are the KDViationS asksimi’s from last quarter. If you don’t get KDViationS, ask for it! publicity.kdvs.org

HEY SMEE,

I was thinking about buying one of them smart phones and wanted to know whether you thought it was a good idea. I mean I don’t really need one, I’m not like busy or anything, but I’d to be able to watch you tube videos when I’m in line at Woodland taquerias.

Ulysses R. Harmon

Dear You’ll Lose Your Hard-on, Of course you NEED a smart phone. Not just before burritos either, but during and of course for that dreaded time after burritos when your full and your too lazy to turn on the DVD player even though the remote is in your hand. Smartphones have more information than the whole Internet does combined. Consider all these reasonable reasons to not be left behind like a luddite: – You never have to listen again – You can prolong the senseless daze of watching television indefinitely. – Pinch zooming is like dancing – Always keeps you busy with puzzles and funny stuff – Never boring like your friends, or worst of all best friends – You can capture and broadcast all you pointless photography and thoughts that could have never made it past your moleskin. – Access the many databases of personal information to never have to live your life. – HD!!HD!! Smee Sent from my iphone

Dear Smee,

All those things you listed were just features of the phone, not reasons to buy it. Have you forgotten the difference?

It has come the attention of the City of Davis that you have slept with fewer than 8 unique partners during your entire college experience. During the installation of the mandatory punitive pear trees, city workers noticed that no one in your household is getting laid between the hours of 11 and 5pm. In order to create much needed revenue for the city and continue our wildly successful, “War on Parking,” the city council has put a tax on non reproductive activities as part of the Wanker Act of 2009.

In addition to barring all children from Advanced Placement classes who haven’t lost their virginity, students of UC Davis who reside within the city limits must pay an additional tax who do not sleep with 8 different individuals, siblings and twins are accepted, averaging at least two unique lays per year. Payment of 200 dollars to the City, or mandatory 50 dollar purchase of Red Hots cinnamon flavored condoms from a local Davis vendor must be made before the end of the year or you’ll face further taxation. You may also get 10 signatures of people you slept with abroad, along with 30-second, HD clips of each sexual encounter with fluorescent lighting and three positions OR detailed descriptions with generous use of the word “wet” and the phrase “Let it happen”. It doesn’t count if they were drunk, and according to our records, they were.

Sincerely,

Wanda Gorgeous

Patriot and Wanker Act compliance

Dear Ms Gorgeous,

I don’t know what to say. I let my college experience slip through my fingers and all I have to show for it is this lousy job and a bunch of stupid ideas about how to make

the world a more equal place. I’m deeply ashamed of my pitiful efforts to text and Facebook women I meet when I could easily just call them. I’m glad the city is

promoting copulation; it’s great for the local economy. My check is enclosed.

look for more in spring!
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About asksimi

Simi is a wise and mysterious figure who's wisdom is only exceeded by his mystery. Mystical powers abound, his knowledge has healed the sick and amused the boring. I am his humble typist. Also a student at SJSU in MLIS.
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