I’ve been reading your advice column, let me just say, so many golden nuggets of wisdom. I found your ad in Women’s Health magazine next to the article about how to knead your boobs to make them softer. How do you put out such quality material every two and half weeks or so as long as there are no cool shows? Anywho, I’ve been down, real down on the account of my lifestyle. I just feel so alone and aimless, a ship with no captain, a bean with no salad, a Christmas ornament left up till June. I need to be refreshened, born again from a yolk of young innocent dreams, and when covered in an afterbirth of pure inspiration, I can finally answer the call of my true passion. I heard a great quote about calls from Timothy Leary, “Once you get the call, hang up.” Isn’t that a precious gem! I think it means that once you find your true calling, you need to hang up your inhibitions and just go for it right? One more thing, just between us ladies. So you were probably expecting this, but I’m going to “experiment” with drugs to find my life path. Do you think that will affect my fertility? You have kids right, and you get high all the time, no?
Dear Chill Man, Spank him!
Women’s Health? I thought I was putting ads into Women’s Hate! Well print media is dead anyways, haven’t gotten a letter from a Bearly legal, the best poachers quarterly in the US of A, in years probably because it’s readership can’t reveal their identity. So you want in huh? What’s the password? Just kiddin, but seriously. I know just how you’re feeling you Franklin. I too was wasting away, sleeping and drinking myself between paychecks while nursing a rather pernicious VHS (Vietnamese Ham Sandwich) addiction. To conquer this, I broke free, I started again, re-birthed myself from the clay of freshly excavated red earth. I started riding my bike again, enjoying pizza, feeling drunk, going to del taco, covering pregnant songs, hating work for real this time. I called it Nü Simi, and I’ve never looked back. Try it. Just embrace the dough and let the slice drip down you’re throat picking up more and more vicious saliva as it slides down.
As for the acid, you are a square and will likely dream about cops arresting all the people who bother you, shutting down public schools and then selling them to Wal-Mart. This will please you of course. Yeah I have kids, I flush’em down the toilet everyday.
Simi again in six months for a checkup