Nü Simi, Old Habits

Dear Kimi,

I’ve been reading your advice column, let me just say, so many golden nuggets of wisdom. I found your ad in Women’s Health magazine next to the article about how to knead your boobs to make them softer. How do you put out such quality material every two and half weeks or so as long as there are no cool shows? Anywho, I’ve been down, real down on the account of my lifestyle. I just feel so alone and aimless, a ship with no captain, a bean with no salad, a Christmas ornament left up till June. I need to be refreshened, born again from a yolk of young innocent dreams, and when covered in an afterbirth of pure inspiration, I can finally answer the call of my true passion. I heard a great quote about calls from Timothy Leary, “Once you get the call, hang up.” Isn’t that a precious gem! I think it means that once you find your true calling, you need to hang up your inhibitions and just go for it right? One more thing, just between us ladies. So you were probably expecting this, but I’m going to “experiment” with drugs to find my life path. Do you think that will affect my fertility? You have kids right, and you get high all the time, no?

Jillian Franklin

Dear Chill Man, Spank him!

Women’s Health? I thought I was putting ads into Women’s Hate! Well print media is dead anyways, haven’t gotten a letter from a Bearly legal, the best poachers quarterly in the US of A, in years probably because it’s readership can’t reveal their identity. So you want in huh? What’s the password? Just kiddin, but seriously. I know just how you’re feeling you Franklin. I too was wasting away, sleeping and drinking myself between paychecks while nursing a rather pernicious VHS (Vietnamese Ham Sandwich)  addiction. To conquer this, I broke free, I started again, re-birthed myself from the clay of freshly excavated red earth. I started riding my bike again, enjoying pizza, feeling drunk, going to del taco, covering pregnant songs, hating work for real this time. I called it Nü Simi, and I’ve never looked back. Try it. Just embrace the dough and let the slice drip down you’re throat picking up more and more vicious saliva as it slides down.

As for the acid, you are a square and will likely dream about cops arresting all the people who bother you, shutting down public schools and then selling them to Wal-Mart. This will please you of course. Yeah I have kids, I flush’em down the toilet everyday.

Simi again in six months for a checkup


About asksimi

Simi is a wise and mysterious figure who's wisdom is only exceeded by his mystery. Mystical powers abound, his knowledge has healed the sick and amused the boring. I am his humble typist. Also a student at SJSU in MLIS.
This entry was posted in Ask Simi and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Nü Simi, Old Habits

  1. Wreath says:

    I’ve been searching in google for some ideas and fortuitously found your asksimi.wordpress.com site. You definitely can write and teach and inspire. Keep writing – I’ll keep reading.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s