Ask Simi 1/14/2011: Artsy Friend Reorientation

Dear Semi or whatever,

My artsy friends are having this thing, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s stupid. It’s like an performance art show, but you can’t do much cause everyone has to do stuff. Like limit on time, you now the fourth dimension? And I don’t know what to do, but I can’t not do nothing because there’s gonna be this guy I like there. He’s gay but I think I can turn him or something, you know what I’am sayin?. So what should I do? How can I make a three minute performance that will be a cupid’s arrow of reorientation?

Sandra Burningheart


Dear Manbra Burningfart or whatever,

You misunderstand your friends. They aren’t artsy, they hate art. And they hate you. They perform art so they can have an audience, but really just want to get girls. That’s why art gets done. They invited you to their party so they give you chance to make fun of you. It’s a scam. You’re a girl maybe but that’s not the point. The point of art is to get girls who read magazines. And I’m not a magazine… yet.

On that note, as a reformed homosexual myself, I find that not being an idiot helps in attracting men back to women. However, you clearly aren’t artistic, but fell into a social circle of artists to make up for the fact that you never had cool posters in your room at you parents house. You never had eye shadow in odd florescentĀ  colors, or anything scribbled on your notebooks. Your dad liked your hair. I turned for a half eaten cinnabon I fought away from a homeless man, but your odds are against you. Try starting a band, then buying a loop pedal and dissolve the band because you don’t need it anymore.




About asksimi

Simi is a wise and mysterious figure who's wisdom is only exceeded by his mystery. Mystical powers abound, his knowledge has healed the sick and amused the boring. I am his humble typist. Also a student at SJSU in MLIS.
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