More Hunan than Hunan’s

Dreary Simi,

You know when that moment hits you? The undeniable realization that the thinly veiled facade you call a personality, hell a life falls to pieces before you with such embarrassment you feel as though you prematurely ejaculated while accepting your diploma. Yeah, I bet you do. Cause you’re just like me! A real misanthroper if there was one! Misanthropy is the only way to be these days. Sorry for all the pomp, just had to lay the deep seeded frame work out there so you can really get what I’m about to tell you. And only you, I don’t wan this shit ending up of the internet, I’m trying to get to GS-9 paygrade by next fall, and I don’t need to be considered, “an interpersonal hazard, social skills underdeveloped”.

So basically I’ve been dating this girl for a while. She’s a playboy october 2010 (I know you know this girl dude!) thumbnail bottom left corner of page 56 girl. Actually it wasn’t a photograph, more of a cartoon, but long story short is you’d be jealous. Anywho, we used to joke about how this guy at the local liqour store which we frequented (livin la vida loca), is just a bit too friendly to my babe. We joked extensively about how he was a wierdo, but what it’d be like if he dated my gf, and how much there lives would suck. I mean they wouldn’t even have brunch, that’s how poor they’d be.  I even took it upon myself to create a twitter account pretending to be him. Well, now in this brutal twist of fate it’s all coming true. He’s taken my girlfriend, my job and oddly enough I also donated a kidney to him a while back ((no blood no foul though right)(actually there was a lot blood) (that was rad!)). I work at the liqour store now, and they’ve moved on. He works for the Regulatory commission of telekenetic/pathic entities (rightwing think tank?) and makes a killing. I mean they eat pesto on everything now they are so loaded.

I just wanted to know if anything like this has ever happened to you? Like when a joke you were making becomes all too real.


Mike Jones (This isn’t my really name (Mike Jones!!!) just use this one for the reply okay. Send to


Hey Grimey,

No that’s never happened to me. Ever.

Good luck with Miss anthropology (sounds pretty), she’s prolly better than your old girlfriend. Actually if you think about it, Miss urban outfitters would be hotter, but younger than miss anthopology. However Miss spca thrift store is chill because she’s already like, there. Plus she can get those “think differently” posters before the narcs do.  That’s what you meant right, like cute girls an stuff. Man, I literally have no problems right now. That rules. Well maybe you should be happy for me once grimey, I mean I don’t run this damned blog to help everyone else.
Sim Siminy Sim Siminy Sim Sim Sharoo

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Popped Punk

Dwear Swimi

Wi was wundwerwing whats da dwiffence tween pop pwunk and poppy pwunk?


Lil’ Bwaby

Hey Pill Lady,

Hate the way you talk, cept I wish I had the license to talk that way all the time cause I would if I could. Pop punk= dumbasses from the suburbs playing fast crap that is blatantly about nothing so they can get girls or warped tour, which ever comes first. Poppy punk = post-modern masters satirically commenting on the lack of fun in modern rock music while intellectually stimulating the supposedly cultured audience with music so simple they never thought they’d like it. Pop punk bands have good drummers, and the rest of the instruments are played by dudes hiding behind the amps while real band jumps around like idiots . Poppy punk bands aren’t afraid to make a mistake, it’s part of our commitment to the true rawness of rock and roll’ sexual energy. Pop punk shows are corporate events with free Yoo-hoo and Monster, attended by thousands of dumb kids who wouldn’t know good music if their parents handed them a box full of mono Smiths records. Poppy Punk shows are in some grimy interstitial space on a neglected side of town in a no name city, playing to a crowd of 30 avant garde college babes. And there’s beer, talk of starting new art projects and a culture of deconstructionist thought.

Basically poppy punk is pop punk for adults.

non c’est une Simi

Dwear Swimi,

Bwut what’s an adult? I like yoohoo!

Lil’ Bwaby

Bill Bellamy,

An adult can drink in public but doesn’t, and opposed to a kid who can’t drink in public but does. Also kids barf all the time, while adults induce it. Main difference is that adults think it’s fun when they get to sleep in or a movie they like is on TV, while kids like real fun like moshing to fast music with lots of cool yelling like pop punk.

Simi, Main Curator of Rock Subgenre’s at the Villanova Institute for High Learning


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Mr. Simi Goes to Washington

Dear Senator Simi,

It appears that legislation that you’ve signed has forced me to rally against you. You are in the hands of the lobbyists, eating government cheese out of your government cheesy gordita. While I started numerous redundant clubs to get healthy food made by cute WEF babes on campus, your new bill, SB666 Pizza is not just food, but a Religion, allows Little Caesars to get tax exempt status and open more locations. Now the Grandma Munchkins Health Food Depot, Eat Nothing and Like it, and Foods Hole are all shutting down. Even Subway! What will happen to the children!

Concerned Parent

Dear Unlearned Pheasant,

WAIT! Hold the presses! Stuff the crusts! Calm the potpurri! If Subway’s closing that means, that there’s a Lil Chi (aka “x”) right next to Fluffer Dino’s (aka Fluffy Donuts). See you there at 3pm SAT, when donuts are at there best.

PS. Judging by your extracurricular activities you obviously sell pot while your social utopia dreams are on hold, so should bring some.

PSS Not really a Senator, only said that so people would stop sending me mail. Didn’t work out, apparently.

Bummer about your kids getting fat, if it helps I won’t make fun of them, they can even come over and drink beer. Don’t sweat it’s light beer.

Slimi Jimi

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Bid Now or Forever Hold Your Dick

Dear Snipe Me,

So I’m trying to pick up some primo VHESSESS’s for my gf, well really ex-gf, you see she’s never really forgiven me for going to Sunrise without her. Anyways she’s like the love of my life or whatever, hottest chick I’ve ever bed with n’ stuff and I can’t stand to not be vaguely considered a guy she once slept with. Xmas is important in my family, as in we love it. Like a Santa making out with another Santa loves it. So anyways I’m high bidz on Rietzthearchivietz exclusive double copy of Goons Do Gooners Two, packed with Never Say I Didn’t Warn You About Men 2: If I Had Another Chance I Would Have Remembered Your Name. All of a sudden they’re snatched up by some psycho named, Simiordietrying. I hot wired five JVC’s and a Realistic RCA Switcher and ran a trace route over my government subsidized digital television antennae and discovered that I had internet. Then I searched Simi on Lycos and found a bunch of hot indian girls. Couple hours later, (wink, wink) I discovered this here blog, and I do suspect you have been taking all my precious cassettes.

Sam Benkins Greenvine

Dear Yam Bakin Zine Guy,

First off, check out my adult site, Couple hours later you’ll realize that I in fact have sniped your entire eBay queue. Bro or No Bro 2, mine! 2000 Dudes in A Tub, mine! The french bavarian neorealist thriller If American’s Only Knew, They Wouldn’t Talk So Much mine!. And upon writing this I’ve just captured the last copy of, An American Guy In Line for Food. Tough luck young buck, maybe you should ditch the fake girlfriend if your gonna run with young go-hards like moowa. See you at the library…


Roy to the World, Roy is Home, He bought some weed for me.

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Black Metal Friday

Door busted Savings-mi

DEALS DEALS DEALS! You’ve been specially collected to survey the iphone 50 tonight at 3:34 am at Jimboy’s Tacos in Lower Freeborn hall (former location of the California Aggie). Should you choose to decline this offer you will be severely punished in many style aspects of your consumer life. 20% off coolness. 60% off chill. 4 babe rebate to your best friends after loss of virginity. No condoms apply. Free sticky pillow and medicinal bean curd with every purchase. Void where intoxicated.

Those who do accept will be on the cutting edge of technology for 9 whole minutes. New AI tells you when to poo, and how to talk to your children.

Dear coolest computer program in the universe,

You are meaner than me. You are faster than me. You are more irreverent and incorrect than me and you don’t even know what that is. You misspell words even though your brain is a dictionary. Who made you? You must be from a post-human form of myself calling back through the ages via dreamweaver or excel. Oh wait john made you. Yeah I remember him saying something about that. It was kinda like, “Hey simi I’ve been recording everything you said for the last six months and put it into a script to send mean emails to you and your loved ones. Is that okay?” I couldn’t hear him over the racket of pool balls in the garage so I just said yes on the condition that he steals me some cigarettes from work. USA golds are so good! Well time to cook thanksgiving. I think I’ll change things up a bit and make an omelette full of “thawed” frozen vegetables.


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Canon In The “D”


1am, 6th night of the week. 12 bands, none are playing a show. 1/2 girlfriend left the party, 3rd best friend just called me a traitor, No. 1 backpack caught on fire cause of idiot (THAT GIRL WASN’T EVEN HOT SHE HAD NO EXCUSE TO BE DUMB!), and I’m biking around davis like some 18 year co-ed rushing back to the dorms for late night. I know you know, that what I know, should have been known about 6 hours ago before all the drug dealers passed out mid-Pizzerolas on the couch watching skate videos. The hippies are all out hunting flies, and now I’m standing in an empty driveway where my friend used to live, and I’m thinking about calling my mom for drugs. What happened to those hot chicks you used to live with who got high everyday and baked cakes just to destroy them?

Ian Ringgold

Dear Peeing Finger,

UH, Simi said he way too high to take any questions, so it’s your 2nd in command, the Pen-ultimate Villanova chillbot, Roy the Golden FUN Boy, Werner. SO wouldn’t this make for a great sit com huh? You, me and canon in the “D.” You know”na na-na-na nananananan” Simi laughed at that one. The “D”! I’m a regular Logan Russel Taylor over here. Guess that makes you a Neil. Call him, he can put out a call for weed on OR just name drop KERN. Not the nectar, although I wouldn’t mind that right now. Can’t read the Del Taco menu without my glasses, but I’ll be damned if I where those. Then people won’t mistaken me for Elvis out of the corner of their eye. Not that they do, but, you gotta wonder why they don’t. I’ll just order it anyways. Anywho, name dropping KERN will gain you access to about 7% of davis households. Although that may sound like a low number, it’s quite impressive, expecially if you know the guy. Which you probably should if you’re going to drop his name. Coffee, beer, drums, long hair, you’ll just make up the rest. Best of luck, I’d hook you up myself, but we’ve been in line for an hour, and no end in site.

Roy Division

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Customers Serviced

Dear I’m Si Senor,

Long time Chillanova Blood Pact, Black Magic and Video sharing club, first time writing. So I read your review of Ghost Dad, pretty glowing, especially with their mockery of vegetarians. Man are they stupid, I mean if your so healthy than why aren’t you outside. I know, cause it takes hours to cook flavor into your stupid, “Vegetable Birthday” or “Critical Mass.” Well turns out this movie only good when your high, so wheres my grass dud.

Fern Harvey

Dear Miso,

I signed up for  your People’s Temple Agricultural Experiment and Video Sharing club and was quite offended by the video I received. I planted my precious little cat, Becky, in front of what I thought was Video Catnip, but was instead some offensive medieval breast filled romp through mis-history. As a Grand Master of the Dark Ages and avid WOW player I was not only appalled by the movie’s inaccuracy, but also the shameless distasteful nip-slips. I DO NOT LIKE TO BE SEXUALLY AROUSED! It distracts me from my blogs.

Gertrude Hyman Theodore


I love being part of the Greater Monterey Babe Tape Sharing Cooperative and Bike Ignoring Collective. Totally great sending me a copy of Robocop 3 that was actually 3 hours of NBC from 1998. How does the trilogy end anyways.

Chill Roy Carson

Dear Burn RV, Pure Lube Trying to Pee More and Kill Joy Cop’s son,

802 Flavors aka Chris Jones Free Jazz Ensemble and Video Rental Band aka Rite Aid has now closed due to bitching. Please forward your requests and questions to John, he’ll program the solutions or something, then Roy will make a foot pedal that will make a guitar send you your bill. I’m working on acquisitions right now at SPCA, while Craig and Darach is running the toxicology report on throwing VHS in the river vs burning them.


Regional Manager,

SS No Joke, Ha!





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